Be excessively gentle with yourself.

https://www.dailygood.org/story/734/a-blessing-for-one-who-is-exhausted-john-o-donohue/

During the start of the pandemic, I was introduced to the Irish poet, John O’Donohue. The above quote served as a mantra as I navigated the uncharted waters of bringing a new child into a divided world as a crippling virus knocked on my front door.

There is a standard in male spirituality, especially in the Christian world, as well as in the Western society, for the father and husband to be the hero. Movies, songs, and art have depicted the man as the great protector and solider. And in many cases, there was a great deal of good that came as a result.

But what happens when the armor gets too heavy? What happens in the face of death, both small and large. Loss of job, loss of health, loss of control in all its forms, especially in our homes and in our society.

If we open our eyes and look around, we can find an answer. Look at the increase in substance use, unprocessed hateful and one-sided tweets and social media posts, unjust public policies, and a consistent increase in violence, especially in gun violence and suicide.

The suicide rate among males in 2021 was approximately four times higher than the rate among females. Males make up 50% of the population but nearly 80% of suicides.

This is where a more gentle male spirituality enters the scene, offering an altered version of masculinity. It is embracing the struggle, allowing the armor to finally come off and for vulnerability to deepen one’s connection with self and other.

Richard Rohr says it this way, “It is the struggle with darkness and grief that educates the male soul.”

Instead of grabbing a bigger and stronger weapon, what would it look like if we chose gentleness instead of doubling down on a limited and false sense of control. Can we take such a risk?

I believe this begins with giving permission to ourselves to be excessively gentle with oneself.

This is then complimented by a re-introduction to who God truly is to us. As a mentor rightly said to me once as I was playing hero, yet struggling internally and externally to let go of what once was, “There is one Jesus, and it isn’t you.”

Once we realize we can let go and let God, we can better understand how God will move us into something much deeper and freer.

The other blessing from this risk of being vulnerable and not holding the world on our shoulders is a growth in empathy and then understanding. How can we possibly understand the other if we don’t understand ourselves?

By embracing the pain, the sorrow, and the lack of control we really have in what is from what should be, we might understand in a deeper way our human connection.

I truly believe in the power that exists in the vocation of fatherhood, rooted in a love of parent and child. If we can tap into this common vocation, perhaps we can see others not as enemies or threats to fight off, but another parent trying his best for his children. And maybe we can even be excessively gentle with them as well.